I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I came so hard my ears popped.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize