the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize