you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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