i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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