my shit smells like andre
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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