I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
