At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
