He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
