you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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