break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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