Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
