Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
