We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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