We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
