i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
