He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
