life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
