On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
