so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
