She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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