Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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