last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
