True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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