how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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