direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
