I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
