She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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