Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
