No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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