y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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