I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
