Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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