i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
