I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
