It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
