im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
