we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
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