New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Randomize
