All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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