tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I would ride that face into the sunset
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
