True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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