Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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