it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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