i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
