i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
