I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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