Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
