She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
