I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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