chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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