The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
