apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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