they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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