I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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