Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
