I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
