Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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